something else

Stress does such nasty things to me. I'm currently facing both moving house and having to find a new job at the same time. I find myself being really grouchy and jumpy with the very people I love the most. Its as if some inner demon wants to drive away the people I most need to support me at the most critical time. I went over to my new home today for a final inspection before the settlement date. Its lovely and I'm so excited to be moving in. Only 2 weeks to go! I've organised the removalists, the changeover of utilites, the cleaner & carpet cleaner for my rented unit, the notice of termination for the unit lease, the new furniture for the outdoor area, (I was VERY clever and have managed to get it delivered here the morning that the removalists come - out of one truck and onto another!) and a new blanket box for the bedroom which has needed a lot of organising as the courier company wont deliver it unless there is someone to sign for it, so I've got Will to go and...

There's lots of times I just hold conversations with no-one. Sometimes they're about nothing, sometimes they are about ideas, sometimes they are about trying to make sense of something. Lots of times they are about trying to work out why someone else said or did something. Lots of times they're just strings of words I like the sound of. Tonight I'm wondering about an acquaintance who has been playing a different type of word game and I'm not sure whats going on. I thought I had control of the word game, but then it turned and went into a dark space. I've brokered a ceasefire, but am not sure what I've bought! Someone once told me I try to analyse things too much. I don't think so, I think that humans are worth analysing, an endless source of engagement. But it usually brings me undone, because people then want to lean on me and I'm not very good at being leant on. I just hear and (think) I understand. It doesn't mean I can fix anything! The o...

My daughter finally said something to me the other day that stopped me in my tracks. She said "your sisters try to make you fit" (or something like that) "you take risks with life, how come you do that?" and it took me a while to sort out what it was that she was asking and then to find the answer. Firstly I said "Well you know, it was when I was raped so young and I thought that I just had to survive." and then I added "and it was being diagnosed with insulin dependant diabetes when I was 25 and realising that I was mortal.", but actually I think am just like this. Maybe I would have grown this way anyway. But what was nice about the whole conversation was that she appreciated my struggle to be me and that she didn't judge it, just accepted that this is how I am. I think so many of us live inside our heads. We go about our daily work all the time seeing the world in images and conversations that roll across the screen inside our brain. I h...