death and falling angels (for Kristin)

Boys take a lift with the wrong person, girls slip on railway tracks, girls go missing from facebook pages, dogs sleep, oceans part us. Everytime I drive the Westgate she's tumbling off against a perfect sky until the water smacks her to a halt.
Oceans engulf us, rivers trace our faces, anguish bursts from our skins. Holding grief is like driving a car in the night. Not feeling the wind, not smelling the bitumen, not talking to anyone, not listening, not touching or being touched, not recognising the scenery. Remembering is like watching a video without the sound. Incomplete and unfinished.
I'm driving, inured to the world. Every song on the radio has a line for me. "...is the scenery flying past and I'm standing still?"
Grief never changes, it is always fresh and startling in its anguish, as if we don't know it, haven't met it a hundred times before. It is the most (in)human of emotions, coming from so deep within that it changes everything, yet nothing is changed. That which we loved is gone and the sky remains blue, the scenery rushes by while I'm standing still.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Closed Loop Here I come!

Image
Day One of the big research project and I have to be at the hospital by 8am. Up at 5:30, I'm worried about not taking the dog for a walk and I leave the house with the back door wide open so she can go outside. She looks at me lazily and only gets up 5 minutes before I leave at 6:40. I'm anxious about parking in at the hospital, I'm broke and don't want to spend money on parking fees, so I catch the train to North Melbourne and ride my bike up along Victoria Pde., to the Daly wing at St. Vincents. The Diabetes Education Department is on the fourth floor in an old ward which looks as though it hasn't been repainted since it housed patients. I wonder about the psychological impact of such an old building on the people who work here. My appointment starts at 8am and the morning is spent meeting the team who will be working with me over the next two and a half months.  I meet my 2 DNE's, the 2 research Doctors, the 2 Psychologists and the woman who brings t
Read more
Image
30 Days of Looping I decided to document a 30 day period in my looping life, when I was pondering life before and after looping and questionning whether it was the looping or the use of 24/7 cgm that was having the most impact on my HbA1c's. I also wondered how much of my results were really in my hands and how much of them were from technology fails. The green-yellow-red dashboard above gives a partial answer. The red squares are the days when site fails or data errors from either the cgm or the apps, caused havoc with the outcomes of the loop system. The yellow days tend to show carb entry miscalculations causing errors, (although not necessarily bad ones) and the green days are perfect or very nearly so!  I've been looping with the ios Loop for just over 12 months. My 'rig' consists of an Apple iPhone with Loop and Spike apps, a 'Rileylink' transcoder amd Dexcom G5 sensors running with one of Simon Lewinsons' rebatteried & rechargeable De
Read more

Too many drugs

I got through Friday by taking a Nyal Herbal remedy for Sinus relief. It was one of those ones that have different tables for day and for night, mainly because the night ones have a soporific effect. So I took two of those on Friday night as I wanted to make sure I got enough rest to handle the flight back to Melbourne on Saturday morning, and the interview process on Saturday afternoon. They worked. I remember getting up at about 4am to go to the loo and thinking - "Hmm, I hope I can walk better than this tomorrow." Then I had a weird dream in which my dog (I don't currently have a dog) was with me in a high set Qld style house and there was a BBQ happening, and I threw a bit of gristle out the back door. The dog went after it and simply plunged off the landing at the top of the stairs and fell onto a bare earth patch that looked as if it had just been dug & was waiting for planting. The dog got up and sort of staggered and I looked down into the backyard and saw Ger
Read more