something else

This post was first written in September 2009, when I was struggling with my role and still suffering from a toxic workplace. I began to question whether I could be happy workign for a `boss', rather than being self-employed, and I began to ask myself what it was that would keep me interested in working. This week it has been Brisbane again. I arrived on Saturday to a temperature of 29 deg, with 30 on the Sunday and 35 on the Monday. Brisbane at it's late winter best (or so a southerner would think). The locals were not appreciative of it, though. Grumbling that it was way too hot for winter. I was dreading working in a Fabrication workshop for the week, thinking that I would be sweaty and hot all week in the mandatory High Vis long trousers and long sleeved shirt, but I found the workshops modern with high ceilings and good ventilation, so that the heat was negligible and with air conditioned offices to retreat to, the work was pleasant. I'm working my way through lots of...

Artificial warmth smothers the fog of rain outside, grey. We're all grey too, Melbourne winter fashion fills the train. There's layers and layers of grey from charcoal to pearl with black over and a coloured bag or scarf here and there. Today is not a grey mood though. I'm light-hearted not quite skipping but OK. The train jams full at each station more grey piles in, shaking drops and puddling footprints. Train hum and tinny beats coming from ipods, conversations, book readers, newspapers. This is definitely NOT a train to take the bike on. I have favourite passages on my commuter train journey. Williamstown Racecourse. Once it was a swamp, probably a good dry season tucker gathering place, open to the sea in between low coastal scrub. Then they built a racecourse, ran a train line out from the busy port town and put a station there. Had a grandiose Victorian grandstand complete with Phoenix canariensis, the`Federation Palm', that bio maps the growth of Melbou...

In Townsville again this week It's still a beautiful city, but too hot, even at this time of year. Tropical queen of the alternate lifestyle, her harbour packed with yachts, streets full of backpackers, riverbanks and rivermouth speckled with men in old shorts, tattered shirts, thongs and straw hats, with fishing gear and time to talk. Walking at night, parkies drift across her open spaces, they don't flit, they dr_if_t in pairs and clusters, all motion designed to save energy, no threat to anyone. I walk busily stretching knees and tendons, Flinders St East - West? Whatever. Scene of my despair. Town to hate, Town to love, too many demons for me, too many memories.

Well it's almost been a month since I last wrote. A month of blah. After being down over my friends tragic situation, I ran foul of someone at work the next day and they lashed out at me, causing me to just fall apart emotionally. I realised that I had a problem, discussed it with my boss, decided to get some help. I went away for the weekend and when I returned home after the weekend I found my house had been burgled. I thought - `I must have stepped on a Leprechaun'. The funny side of it was, that the burglar obviously thought I had nothing of value as they only took my video camera and about $20 in loose change. So this was bad enough, but then 4 days later, I was sitting stationary in my car, caught in a traffic bottleneck on the Westgate freeway on the way to work, when BANG, a car ran into the back of me, slamming my car into the next one. There wasn't even a screech of brakes. By the time I got into work, all I could think was that I had stepped on a whole family ...

How beautiful, a heavy frost this morning and the first jonquil opened against the red of the scarlet barked maple. I left bread for the birds, feeling sorry for them on this cold morning. In the carport the car thermometer was registering 0 degrees and the ice warning message came on. I slipped it into `snow' mode before backing out. This evening as I left the office, I caught glimpses of a pale winter sunset through the fire escape window, as I descended the cold stairwell. By the time I drove into the evening traffic it was gone, yet there was still more light than there was at this time last week.

Listening to Little Birdy, `Brother' off the Confetti album. How come some people can get all of it into words and music? I'm reeling from dealing with a friends personal tragedy tonight and my emotions feel very exposed. I wonder if those singers go over and over the emotions each time they have to perform. That would be so exhausting. Do they pluck them and pull at them so much during the writing period, that by the time they've performed the tune a few times it's all gone? I guess they get so that they can distance themselves from the original event that germinated the art. I find little spaces to box stuff up into. Whether it's pleasure or pain. Mostly I think about pulling out the pleasure stuff, reviewing the memory. Mostly it's little things like the sky at sunrise or filled with winter colour. I've a picture memory tonight that's going to take a while to store away, a friends face in transition towards death, and the distress of his partner. I ...

For so many years I was almost religious about BGL's and lifestyle. Yet I still had issues with weight and fluctuating BGL's. Now Ive been on a pump for 2 years and I still have issues with fluctuating BGL's and weight. At what point do you trade off trying to live a fairly flexible lifestayle and becoming manic about constantly reviewing BGL's, carbs, exercise, arthritis, sleep, water, alcohol, sex, menopause, work, stress, family obligations, BGL's! I know lots of people have to watch their diet. I know lots of people feel they should get more exercise, but I do think that coping with finger pricks and bolus's and adjusting doses to deal with illness or unexpected high's is just such a constant pain. When I was diagnosed, 27 years ago, they said to me, "oh you don't have to worry, they'll have a cure for this in five years." Funny thing, I've spoken to second generation T1's whose parents were told the same thing 40 years ago. I...