something else

I'm in a reflective mood tonight. I promised my DNE that I would put all the things I do during the 'at home' nights of the project, into an info graph type graphic to help other clinical trial participants, instead I found myself drawing these little LabRat illustrations. As I drew them I found myself feeling all sorts of emotions about being a 'LabRat.' It's a rather odd experience. On the one hand my 'bullocky' resilient, externally related side is a bit like the little rat with the JDRF cape, I'm a super-hero, putting my body on the line for science (said with a wry grin). Then again, the analytical side of me is interested in the process - what actually goes on in these trials, what data do they collect & how is it used? The little rat in the middle is off to see the world and see how it all works. Then there is the  sensitive scared little rat, a bit worried, a bit scared and feeling a little bit alone in the middle of it all.  This ...

Today is Monday 16th June. It is also the first night that I will hand over control of my insulin pump to a smartphone and an algorithm. The low suspend safety function on the pump will be switched off and the pump will respond to information from my sensor by itself. As I sit at the station waiting for the train into town, with my backpack and computer bag I start to think about all the what if's. Suddenly I want to phone my daughter, to say to her, "If it all goes wrong, remember I love you, everything you need to know is on my computer and there's a back up disk on my desk at home." I can't phone her, she's at work, but the urge to tell her is so strong, I start to sms. Her response is swift and short. "Geezuz! Don't panic! I'll call you after work tonight." I get on the train feeling quite surreal. A good friend calls on the phone and I tell her my fears, she listens patiently and kindly, and quietly brings me back to earth. I tell ...